swirlsofpurple

“You’re too soft.”

Her father tells one of her brothers, it’s her earliest memory. They’re at the dinner table. Her father looks so angry and her brother looks so sad. And she tells herself she must be careful to never be too soft.

She only has people she pretends to be friends with. They hang around her for her family’s money and power and status and she lets them hang around as long as they do as she says and make her look good.

She’s cold and cruel and doesn’t care about anyone. No one ever tells her she’s too soft.

Her father is scolding one of her brothers and says, “If only your sister was born a boy.”

And she feels aglow with pride for only moments before it dulls to bitterness, resentment.

*

She’s become an expert at never getting attached. She will never be weak. She will never be controlled. She will never be used.

(Even if she wanted a genuine relationship, she isn’t capable of it).

But she feels oh so alone.

Her father has made her strong, untouchable. She hates him for it.

*
 

She refuses to go into the family business, and becomes a scientist instead. It’s an act of rebellion and her father berates and belittles her for it.

Even as she goes against his wishes, she hopes one day she’ll create something valuable enough for him to see value in her. Despite everything she still longs for his approval- still longs for his love.

She’s successful making new computer software, but no one is impressed.

She needs something bigger, something undeniable, something no one can shove aside.

She starts making an android.

 
*

As she builds she knows she needs a plan. Even this can be dismissed as a trinket, a novelty. Unless she convinces them it’s a real person, then they will have no choice but to appreciate what she’s done once she reveals the truth.

She decides to make a companion for herself. It will be good to have around and also gives it an excuse to be spending time around everyone.   

She takes her time with the programming, ensuring it’s exquisite and exactly what she wants.

She wants it to be kind, comforting, and caring towards her, and most of all soft. But capable of ruthlessness towards others, of doing what needs to be done.

It will need to be unthreatening, seemingly goofy, but with a sharp strategic mind.

She wonders briefly is it’s too cruel to make it need her affection whilst also forcing it to be accepting of the lack of said affection. But dismisses the idea quickly. It won’t be alive, only a thing.

It will be cold and unfeeling, with love only as pretence. Just like her.

 
*

She calls it James, works with it once it’s awake. They practice every day things, like moving and talking, and she makes adjustments to the programming. But it improves quickly.

She introduces James to her family. They think he’s a little weird, but do not question that he’s human.

The evening goes with the usual turmoil expected from her family, but she can’t help but be happy with how James is performing. He’s perfect.

 
*

She likes having James around the house. He’s kind and fun to talk to and it’s comforting to be held in his arms. It’s probably not healthy, but it’s only for six months, then she will reveal that she has created an android completely capable of masquerading as human.

But two months in he starts displaying behaviour contrary to his programming. Nothing big, but she does a thorough check, knowing she must fix any errors that have appeared before they become more of an issue.

She finds no errors. It’s an evolution of his programming. James is becoming alive.

 
*

Fear grips her deep and searing. She can’t let her father know about him now. He will make a slave race of androids. She can’t allow that to happen. She knows she should keep James away from everyone, send him away. But she’s too selfish to do so.

She’s careful to be dismissive of him in public. She can’t have anyone know she cares about him, can’t have anyone know she has a weakness, can’t have anyone know she has been foolish enough to care about a machine. Because they will find out, eventually.

“It has to be this way,” she tells James.

“I understand,” he says, but his face is sad.

 
*

As James evolves further, his protestations about the way she treats him increase. He needs too much from her: affection, vulnerability, love. Things she can’t give.

She says, “You’re too soft.”

And turns away from the crumpling of his posture. 

She means the words, doesn’t regret them, and would say them again. She still hates herself for it though.

 
*

Her father offers James a job; she knew he would, just to have another way to control her. She tells James to take the job anyway, hoping it will give him something else to focus on. He excels of course; he was after all made for that place. And her father sees him anew, as someone of value.

She’s angry despite herself.

 
*

One day James says he sometimes thinks he would be happier if she changed his programming so he didn’t love her anymore.

For the longest time after that it feels as if she can’t draw a full breath.

She can’t lose him, she decides, she needs him.

She tries her hardest, but she can’t be enough, she can’t open herself up, leave her belly exposed. And she can feel him, her one chance, slipping further away.

 
*

She decides to do something drastic. The next routine maintenance check, she shuts down his limb control.

“What are you doing?” he asks.

“You’re becoming increasingly out of control, I’m concerned.”

There’s a slight tremor in his voice as he says, “You’re not going to change my programming. You can’t.”

“I’m afraid you may need a full memory wipe and system reset.”

His eyes widen in horror. “You’re going to kill me.”

She doesn’t deny it. No one would charge her with murder but they both know it’s true.

“Please don’t. I’ll be good, I promise. Please.”

She says, “Fine. You won’t get another warning.”

 
*

James tries to be good. But he’s afraid of her and she can tell. She tells herself she should like it, it means she’s in control. She still hates it.

“I don’t want you to be afraid of me. I’m not going to hurt you.”

“Do you even love me?”

“No.” She’s not sure if it’s true or not.

“Then will you let me leave?”

She lets him go, and as she watches everything she’s worked so hard for walk away she tells herself,

“You’re too soft.”